Finding my self worth again…

I used to feel beautiful, unstoppable, like nothing could stand in my way. I felt like I was worth something and meant something to the people that knew me.

I enjoyed making people laugh, bringing the light to someone’s bad day, and just being there to listen to people that needed someone to hear them.

Then you came along…

You grabbed my entire identity, held it above your head, then grinned as you let it fall and shatter onto the floor in a million pieces.

I dropped to my knees, tried to pick up the pieces, tried to put them back together; you kicked them away with your boot, I looked up at you with pleading eyes, you looked back at me with your ice blue, cold eyes.

We had always had a rocky relationship, always fought, but I never thought you would turn out to be so cruel, heartless, and unconcerned.

I used to love you; you were the most important person in my life, I ranked you above everyone else, that was my first mistake. Every cruel thing you can possibly say to someone ended up coming out of your mouth; each insult was like being physically hit so hard that it knocked the breath out of me.

The first insults weren’t so bad; you told me you hated me, called me a b*tch, etc.

At first I would brush them off, they were just words after all, right? When you saw that your words were no longer having an effect on me, you began calling me names a woman should never be called, told me no one would ever want to be with me, that I could never make anyone happy, I was the worst person you had ever met. Those started to hurt, but you still weren’t
I would usually just stare at you in disbelief; it was like you had just plunged a butcher knife into my heart and twisted it.

I would always ask myself what I did to deserve such harsh words; we were in love once, you had even said you wanted us to get married once, how did it come to this? It was nothing but insults every time we spoke, I began to believe every word that came out of your mouth.

And why wouldn’t I? That’s all you ever said to me; nothing nice, nothing positive, only angry, hurtful insults.

You broke down my character, you made me feel like the worst person on Earth. You made me question my sanity; did I need to be on drugs? Was something wrong with me? You made me question my future relationships; should I just stay single forever?

Am I going to make the next guy hate me this much, too? You made me question my friendships and relationships with my family members; Do they all hate me? Do they all secretly wish I was dead or think I am a b*tch? Do I even have any friends or are they just people that feel sorry for me and feel the need to act like they care?

You took every little bit of me and destroyed it, and you got joy out of it. You loved seeing the hurt in my eyes, the tears running down my face, enjoyed hearing the wounded tone in my voice.

I put up with it for two years, if not more, then one night I finally said to myself, “enough is enough”. I finally let go of the relationship I had been trying so hard to save for the last three years of my life.

I realized that it was not worth putting myself through so much pain every day just to try to make something work that was doomed from the start. I don’t miss anything about you; I don’t even know why I tried so hard to get us to be together and stay together.

You could have cost me my life, everything I had worked so hard for in the last twenty three years. You tried to turn everyone against me, even my own roommate; most people you succeeded with but some stayed loyal to me.

I will never be able to get my reputation back, you tarnished that years ago. I will never be able to convince your friends and family members that I’m not the b*tch you always described me as.

But who cares? I am alive and I am an awesome mother, friend, coworker, daughter, niece, cousin, granddaughter, sister, and auntie.

It took me four months to finally get myself to believe that, and I will never let you make me think any differently of myself again!

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21 thoughts on “Finding my self worth again…

  1. How lucky you are that it only took three years out of your life! I put up with him for 30 years before realizing I am so much better than that. You are so courage to write this all out and publish it. I was never that brave, but then my 3 kids are grown and trying so hard to take over where their dad left off! It will never happen because I have come to realize I not only deserve better treatment, but I’m a much better and stronger person than he would ever have become!.

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    1. Yes! I’m glad it didn’t take long, I just realized how many fish were in the sea, and I was putting up with a snake. We are all worth so much more and I had to find it by myself and in myself. It made me much stronger.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I really didn’t care about doing any more fishing in that sea, mainly because my MS was at the point where I have to concentrate on just staying alive now, but just knew I was better than his ideas of what the ideal woman(insert slave here) should be. The strange part is that I was still in love with him when he passed away almost 2 years ago. We share 3 wonderful kids and I have always acknowledged the fact that he had a lot to do with the way they have all turned out — strong. affectionate and wonderful parents. They inherited the best of each of us, his work ethic and my ability to love unconditionally among other things. He also married a friend and neighbor after I left and they were always meant to be together, so I guess in a convoluted way it all turned out for the best for all involved.

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  2. I love this. I was trying to think of something I would want to hear when I started blogging. I got this: Find the part of you that is most healed and whole and remembers even just a little bit of how it felt to feel joy and peace and beauty — and write from that place. I promise the people that show up will reflect it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Words cut to the core and steal our self confidence and ability to trust our own decisions as you well know.
    I got out of one abusive relationship and then walked right back into another one.
    He didn’t physically abuse me so it was not all that bad, it was worse.
    One day he walked away leaving me a melted puddle of nothingness laying on the floor.
    Took me several years of therapy to find me again and to be ok with me.
    Today I am a 70 year old wife of a wonderful, kind man, mother of two sons, grandmother of 3 and great grand to 1 and 1/2-second great grand sue the end of August.
    I am happy.
    Oe day I saw him in the store and he spoke to me and I acted like I didn’t know him, for if I said what I thought I would have been the abuser.
    Good for you and am proud of you for becoming who you are today.

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  4. Looking at your profile image, you are beautiful. You are worth more than he told you. When some men feel threatened by a woman, they will do whatever they can to bring them down, to make them question themselves, to break them so they can control them again.

    You are worth more than your parts. You are worth a great deal more. Your future relationships will show you that. Your future relationships will show you that you are worth being loved, you are worth being adored, you are worth more than he gave you. Worth more than he said.

    Don’t hide within yourself. Fluff up your feathers, smile, and tell the world “ha! That didn’t work! I am me, I am strong. I will not be brought to my knees!”

    Not all men are like this piece of cr*p. Some have genuinely beautiful souls, and I hope you find one of these. You deserve it. Smile. You have won.

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  5. It takes takes time to learn that we give others power over ourselves. It takes time that we should not let others define ourselves to ourselves or others for that matter. Takes time to learn not to define ourselves by the presence or absence of people in our lives. Takes time to learn we are best defined by being sensitive to the needs of others. Takes time to learn that the problem is not always us and the wisdom to recognize if indeed it is us. It is liberating to learn it is better to actually be alone than to feel alone when with someone. Takes time to mount the courage to say to ourselves “You know what. I don’t like being unhappy. I’m outta here”.

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