My heart doesn’t beat for you anymore 🖤

I am taking myself back. And no, I am not doing this for you. I deserve better. I can take all the pieces of myself that you dropped and find someone who can help me carry them in time. But for now, I am carrying myself. 
I am making myself whole.

Although pieces here and there are broken, I promise you they still work. I’ve found that even in the worst moments of pain, you can fix what is broken by believing in yourself.
By believing that there is more to life than just a burned out flame…
There is me. And where there is me, there is a light waiting to be lit. Waiting to be discovered, and waiting to light up someone’s world. As long as I remind myself what is there, I can move forward.
As long as you stay out my life, I can pick up all the bent and broken pieces of my heart you stole. 
I’ll be able to piece together every part you told my heart you cared for but broke. I’ll be able to sew together the parts of my heart you ripped out and threw away. 
My heart is not yours.
It doesn’t beat for you anymore. And it never will. So it’s time I take back what is mine.There is no one who can make me feel alive but myself.
And for the first time in a long time, I know that this is best for me. I know that taking back pieces of myself will only make me stronger and more dependent on myself. More dependent on me, and me alone. 

Finding my self worth again…

I used to feel beautiful, unstoppable, like nothing could stand in my way. I felt like I was worth something and meant something to the people that knew me.

I enjoyed making people laugh, bringing the light to someone’s bad day, and just being there to listen to people that needed someone to hear them.

Then you came along…

You grabbed my entire identity, held it above your head, then grinned as you let it fall and shatter onto the floor in a million pieces.

I dropped to my knees, tried to pick up the pieces, tried to put them back together; you kicked them away with your boot, I looked up at you with pleading eyes, you looked back at me with your ice blue, cold eyes.

We had always had a rocky relationship, always fought, but I never thought you would turn out to be so cruel, heartless, and unconcerned.

I used to love you; you were the most important person in my life, I ranked you above everyone else, that was my first mistake. Every cruel thing you can possibly say to someone ended up coming out of your mouth; each insult was like being physically hit so hard that it knocked the breath out of me.

The first insults weren’t so bad; you told me you hated me, called me a b*tch, etc.

At first I would brush them off, they were just words after all, right? When you saw that your words were no longer having an effect on me, you began calling me names a woman should never be called, told me no one would ever want to be with me, that I could never make anyone happy, I was the worst person you had ever met. Those started to hurt, but you still weren’t
I would usually just stare at you in disbelief; it was like you had just plunged a butcher knife into my heart and twisted it.

I would always ask myself what I did to deserve such harsh words; we were in love once, you had even said you wanted us to get married once, how did it come to this? It was nothing but insults every time we spoke, I began to believe every word that came out of your mouth.

And why wouldn’t I? That’s all you ever said to me; nothing nice, nothing positive, only angry, hurtful insults.

You broke down my character, you made me feel like the worst person on Earth. You made me question my sanity; did I need to be on drugs? Was something wrong with me? You made me question my future relationships; should I just stay single forever?

Am I going to make the next guy hate me this much, too? You made me question my friendships and relationships with my family members; Do they all hate me? Do they all secretly wish I was dead or think I am a b*tch? Do I even have any friends or are they just people that feel sorry for me and feel the need to act like they care?

You took every little bit of me and destroyed it, and you got joy out of it. You loved seeing the hurt in my eyes, the tears running down my face, enjoyed hearing the wounded tone in my voice.

I put up with it for two years, if not more, then one night I finally said to myself, “enough is enough”. I finally let go of the relationship I had been trying so hard to save for the last three years of my life.

I realized that it was not worth putting myself through so much pain every day just to try to make something work that was doomed from the start. I don’t miss anything about you; I don’t even know why I tried so hard to get us to be together and stay together.

You could have cost me my life, everything I had worked so hard for in the last twenty three years. You tried to turn everyone against me, even my own roommate; most people you succeeded with but some stayed loyal to me.

I will never be able to get my reputation back, you tarnished that years ago. I will never be able to convince your friends and family members that I’m not the b*tch you always described me as.

But who cares? I am alive and I am an awesome mother, friend, coworker, daughter, niece, cousin, granddaughter, sister, and auntie.

It took me four months to finally get myself to believe that, and I will never let you make me think any differently of myself again!